Feeling Big Feelings — How to Regulate Without Ruining the Relationship
Podcast Recap: Do You Feel Heard? – Episode 18
Theme: Emotional regulation, co-regulation vs. self-regulation, speaking your truth, and the danger of passive aggression
When big emotions come up, it can feel like you’re caught in a storm:
Do you speak up? Stay silent? Vent to a friend? Shut down completely?
In Episode 19 of Do You Feel Heard?, Ian and Dawson get honest about the emotional tightrope we walk in relationships—how to express ourselves without causing harm, how to sit with uncomfortable feelings, and how to stop outsourcing our emotional regulation to people who aren’t available (or willing) to hold it.
Emotional Regulation 101: Are You Leading, or Are Your Emotions?
The episode opens with a central question:
Do you regulate your emotions—or do your emotions regulate you?
Both hosts share personal strategies:
- Ian: Journaling, using Internal Exploration Cards, pulling on threads until the root feeling is found.
- Dawson: Journaling, meditating, gym time, short distractions to pause impulsive responses.
But it’s not about suppressing emotions—it’s about understanding them without immediately reacting.
The Co-Regulation Trap
Not all emotional regulation is done solo. Many people (especially anxious communicators) rely on co-regulation—the process of seeking comfort or clarity through another person’s presence or validation.
That’s not inherently bad. But problems arise when:
- You constantly rely on someone who isn’t emotionally available.
- You expect others to regulate you.
- You assume closeness means unlimited access to someone’s energy.
“If someone isn’t available to co-regulate, that’s not rejection. It’s a call for self-responsibility.” – Ian
Passive Aggression: The Least Helpful Cry for Help
Ever said “I’m fine” when you weren’t?
Dropped a sarcastic comment instead of sharing what’s really going on?
Ian and Dawson dive deep into passive aggression—why we do it, why it doesn’t work, and what it actually communicates (hint: not what you think).
“Passive aggression is a terrible way to feel heard. You're not speaking your truth. You're just jabbing.” – Ian
They explore how this form of communication confuses and distances people, especially when it replaces honest vulnerability.
From Victimhood to Ownership
One of the episode’s key insights:
Avoidance creates more harm than honesty ever will.
Dawson shares stories of people avoiding tough conversations—and losing relationships as a result. Ian reminds us that silence doesn’t protect connection. It slowly corrodes it.
“We’re so afraid of creating damage by speaking up—but silence creates its own kind of damage.” – Ian
The N.A.A.A. Tool: A Roadmap for Honest Expression
To help navigate emotional conversations with clarity and compassion, Ian introduces the N.A.A.A. Tool:
- Name the story
- Acknowledge it’s a story (not confirmed truth)
- Affirm no one has done anything wrong
- Absolve the other person from needing to fix it
This tool is all about:
- Taking responsibility for your emotions
- Avoiding blame
- Creating space for clarity and connection
“Speak your truth—but don’t assign someone else responsibility for it.” – Dawson
Letting Go of the Fixer Role
For those conditioned to fix, soothe, or rescue others' emotions (hello, childhood parentification), Ian issues a powerful reminder:
“Someone else being upset doesn’t mean you did something wrong. Their feelings are theirs. Let them have them.”
Fixing someone else’s discomfort—without being asked—can violate consent, create resentment, and perpetuate co-dependency. It's not compassionate; it's controlling.
The Freedom of Acceptance
At the heart of this episode is a call to sit with what is, even when it’s hard.
- Feelings are not facts.
- You can observe your emotions without becoming them.
- You can let go of what hurts without denying it happened.
Ian shares a deeply personal story of heartbreak and acceptance—and how sitting fully in his pain, without running or fixing, led to liberation.
“How deeply can you accept what is?” – Ian
Zooming Out: You Are Not Your Emotions
In a more spiritual segment, Ian introduces the practice of becoming the observer of your emotions.
“You are not angry. You are not sad. You are the one watching those experiences move through your body.”
From meditation analogies to Ram Dass to sensory limitations and language theory, this final stretch of the episode encourages listeners to:
- Witness their feelings instead of drowning in them
- Separate identity from emotion
- Return to presence and agency
Favorite Quotes from Episode 18
“You don’t regulate your emotions by suppressing them. You regulate them by understanding them.”
“Passive aggression is like asking for a hug by punching someone in the throat.”
“If you always avoid discomfort, you never learn how to sit with truth.”
“Silence isn’t always peaceful. Sometimes it’s self-abandonment.”
“You are not your story. You’re the author—and you can choose a new chapter.”
Final Reflection
Emotional maturity isn’t about being calm all the time.
It’s about owning your feelings, expressing them with care, and letting go of what’s not yours to carry.
So the next time you feel something big, don’t run.
Pause. Breathe.
And ask: What’s really here—and how can I move through it with grace?