Written by Derrick Jones on December 12th, 2024.
Well, do you? This seemingly simple question is far more involved than it may seem at first. Let’s explore.
When you tell someone what you are thinking, ask a question, or deliver a compliment, how do you know if that person is even listening? If they are listening, did they hear and understand what you said? Going even deeper now, did they hear and understand AND pick up the deepest meaning and feelings behind what you shared?
Listening is a much more complex process than the intricate biochemical dance of hearing can even hint at. Take a look at the image below to scratch the surface:
SO MANY complex and minuscule parts of our anatomy have to work in harmony to transmit sounds, a cascade of fluid reverberating and tiny hairs changing position, converting waves of sound into electrical impulses that flow to the brain and are only then interpreted as language and intonation.
If hearing, just physically hearing the words that we share with each other is this convoluted, take a moment to consider how involved the process of understanding and receiving that information is. Years ago, when I was training in Motivational Interviewing to help people get out of their own way to achieve their goals, I remember the one lesson from the hours of training that stopped me in my tracks: Just because you are listening to someone does not mean they KNOW you are listening to them.
As someone who would pride themselves on being a “good listener,” I could not believe I had never grasped this basic fact. We have all experienced talking to a friend or family member when they were distracted, maybe glued to their phone, and even though they were nodding and “uh-huh”ing at all the right parts, you knew they barely heard a word you said. Sure, maybe they can repeat most of what you said without glancing up from their phone screen, but did that robotic transcription make you feel heard?
I doubt it. So, how do you actually let someone know you are listening? REALLY listening. In motivational interviewing, and in the coaching I do with Helping The Heard, our primary tool is reflective listening.
When practicing reflective listening, not only do we attempt to listen deeply, and listen to understand, but we then reflect back to the speaker and ask if what we heard — after that incredible process of soundwaves being converted into electrical impulses, interpreted by the brain, and processed through our tangled web of neural networks, biases, and distractions — is actually what they said. Then, and only then, can that person actually know that we are listening and that we care about what they are sharing.
This process may sound a little slow, but I assure you it can be incredibly rewarding and fun. Fueled by curiosity, conversations come alive when both people are actively listening and reflecting, hearing and being heard.
If you want to give it a try, the next time someone is sharing with you, instead of launching into your response or a separate comment as soon as they finish talking, try reflecting back, “What I heard you say was…” and finishing your reflection with a sincere question, “… Do you feel heard?”
When giving the gift of your attention, reflective listening is the way to make sure that precious gift can be fully received.
“The most precious gift we can offer anyone is our attention.”
— Thich Nhat Hanh
Feel Truly Understood: Master the Art of Listening with the DYFH Script
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