In one of the most tender and profound conversations yet on Helping the Heard, Derrick and Ian are joined by guest Douglas Wallace—a volunteer and teacher with the Living Dying Project. Together, they explore what it really means to live, love, and let go with awareness and care.
Awareness of your mortality
Douglas opens with a radical but grounding truth: “Maintaining awareness of your mortality is one of the more life-enhancing things.” From that starting point, the conversation unfolds into a moving examination of grief, presence, and the emotional labor of caregiving and communication.
Let Grief Stretch you Further
Derrick shares his personal journey of caregiving for his mother during 22 months of hospice, and how that time rewired his understanding of communication, intimacy, and impermanence. With Doug as his mentor, he learned not just to survive the grief, but to let it stretch him larger—as one quote puts it, “to hold grief in one hand and gratitude in the other.”
Grief is a gateway to joy.
One of the episode’s recurring themes is the practice of non-attachment. Not as indifference, but as a deeper acceptance of life’s transience. As Doug explains, “I got here one clenched fist at a time… having one thing after another ripped out of it.” He adds that grief isn’t just the sorrow of loss, but also a gateway to joy—if we’re willing to feel it fully.
Conflict Resolution
They also discuss conflict resolution, especially in end-of-life situations, where stakes are high and families may not agree. “There may not be a win-win,” Doug says, “but we can aim for mostly okay on both sides.” His central principle? Listening. As Thich Nhat Hanh said, “The most precious gift we can offer is our presence.”
Meditation prepares you for both loss and joy
The group explores how meditation informs this presence—and how it prepares us not only for the moment of death, but for the fullness of life. They challenge the idea of enlightenment as a final destination. Instead, they embrace the concept of “the yoga of non-meditation”—being so present that there is no longer a division between practice and life.
Grace will repair your relationships
The episode closes with a powerful discussion of rupture and repair in relationships. Douglas shares personal stories of letting go and of unexpected grace: “Sometimes it’s like a flower opening. Other times, it takes work.” Derrick reflects on how unresolved ruptures feel like scar tissue—contractions that make it harder to open again.
In the end, the message is simple and sacred: We will lose everything. But we can love deeply in the meantime.And the work—the real work—is learning to stay open through it all.