When Two Realities Collide: Co-Parenting, Responsibility, and the Power of Safe Space
Podcast Recap: Do You Feel Heard? – Episode 29
Guests/Hosts: Ian Mychal & Derrick Jones
In this week’s episode of Do You Feel Heard, Ian Mychal and Derrick Jones drop the guest mic and sit down for a raw, honest conversation about what happens when you and someone you care about live in “two disconnected realities.” Ian shares the challenges of co-parenting with his son’s mother when old hurts, assumptions, and bias make every exchange feel like conflict.
“How do you reach someone who isn’t willing—or isn’t able—to hear your experience because it contradicts theirs?” Ian asks.
Emotions Are Real — But Responsibility Still Matters
One theme that runs throughout the episode is the difference between validating emotions and taking responsibility for them. As Derrick puts it, “emotions are at least real; they happened.” Ian agrees but adds, “ultimately, they happen within you, and therefore you are responsible for them.”
That shift—from “you made me feel” to “I’m responsible for my feelings”—isn’t easy, but it’s central to empowerment. Without it, co-parents (or any two people) can get stuck waiting for the other to “take responsibility” for something only the self can own.
The “Wobbly Spiral” of Healing
Derrick introduces a powerful metaphor: repairing a ruptured relationship isn’t a straight path; it’s a “wobbly spiral.” Like a physical injury, a relationship injury leads to guarding, contraction, and compensation. Safety and trust can only be rebuilt slowly, through repeated small actions—not one magic phrase or gesture.
“You don’t just say these words and suddenly you’re trusted again,” Derrick notes. “It’s a meandering path.”
Real-World Example: A Family Trip Misunderstanding
Ian recounts a recent conflict about a family road trip. He had tried to create extra time for his son’s mother but logistical realities shrank that window. In her eyes, time had been “taken away,” even though Ian saw himself accommodating. The misunderstanding spiraled because each was living a different story about what happened.
Derrick gently teases apart the feelings and needs under the story: fear, betrayal, a need for fairness and for time with a child. Looking beneath the words to the unmet need is a core skill of Nonviolent Communication (NVC)—one that helps avoid reactivity when facts alone won’t bridge the gap.
Creating Space Instead of Combat
The co-hosts circle back to a central takeaway for anyone navigating high-stakes conflict:
- Hold yourself—not the other person—accountable.
- Show up non-reactively; don’t add fuel to their fire.
- Don’t people-please or betray your own integrity, but do stay neutral and loving.
- Seek third-party facilitation if possible. A neutral coach or mediator can hold the container you can’t always hold alone.
“Safety isn’t only an external circumstance,” Derrick observes. “It’s also internal. People can feel safe in unsafe environments, and panic in safe ones.” That means your job isn’t to “make” the other person feel safe but to show up consistently in a way that isn’t threatening and allows safety to emerge.
Tools Mentioned in the Episode
- Nonviolent Communication (NVC) by Marshall Rosenberg: focusing on feelings and needs rather than blame.
- Unconditional Positive Regard (Carl Rogers): the healing power of simply listening without judgment.
- Plant- or psychedelic-assisted facilitation: not for everyone, but potentially powerful in the right hands, with the right preparation and trained facilitators.
- Time plus new experiences: not a cure-all, but repeated neutral or positive interactions help re-pattern old hurts.
Final Thought: Control What You Can Control
Ian sums it up: “You can’t make anyone change. All you can control is how you show up.” Derrick adds, “That’s freedom and it’s terrifying. With great power comes great responsibility.”
For listeners in similar situations, that might be the most hopeful point. You don’t have to wait for the other person to change to start shifting the dynamic. By creating a space of equanimity, curiosity, and non-reactivity, you’re already walking the “wobbly spiral” toward something new.
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