The Four Horsemen in Relationships—and How to Stop Them
Podcast Recap: Do You Feel Heard? – Episode 3
Guests: Derrick Jones, Nicole, and Dawson
Theme: Emotional patterns that damage connection—and how to reverse them
What Are the Four Horsemen?
Coined by renowned relationship researchers Drs. John and Julie Gottman, the "Four Horsemen" are communication habits that predict relationship breakdown if left unaddressed:
- Criticism
More than a complaint, criticism attacks a person’s character. It sounds like “You’re so lazy” rather than “I feel frustrated that the dishes weren’t done.” Over time, repeated criticism erodes trust and safety. - Contempt
Considered the most toxic, contempt includes sarcasm, eye-rolling, and mockery. It conveys disrespect and moral superiority. According to the Gottmans, this is the strongest predictor of divorce. - Defensiveness
Defensiveness is self-protection in the form of counter-attacks or victimhood. It says, “It’s not my fault,” instead of acknowledging a partner’s concern. While it feels instinctive, it shuts down dialogue. - Stonewalling
This occurs when one partner withdraws from interaction—physically or emotionally. They shut down, tune out, and stop engaging. It’s often a response to overwhelm but can feel like abandonment to the other person.
The Antidotes: Repairing What’s Broken
The good news? Each of these harmful patterns has a counter-force. As Derrick says, “They’re not the end of a relationship unless you ignore them.”
Here’s how to reverse the damage:
1. Criticism → Use Gentle Start-Up
Replace blame with an “I” statement that expresses feelings and needs without attacking.
💬 Instead of: “You never help around the house.”
💬 Try: “I feel overwhelmed when chores pile up. Can we talk about how to divide things better?”
2. Contempt → Build a Culture of Appreciation
Practice daily gratitude. Regularly express what you love and value about your partner—even in small things.
💬 Example: “Thank you for walking the dog. That gave me time to breathe.”
The team discusses the “5:1 rule” from the Gottmans—aim for five positive interactions for every one negative one. Nicole even shares a beautiful practice: ending the day with a sincere thank-you to her partner.
3. Defensiveness → Take Responsibility
Instead of rejecting feedback, own your part—even if it’s small.
💬 Example: “You're right. I was distracted and forgot. I’ll be more mindful next time.”
Empathy helps too. As Dawson points out, asking yourself, “How would I feel if I were in their shoes?” can turn reactivity into compassion.
4. Stonewalling → Self-Soothing & the ATS Tool
When overwhelmed, take a break—but don’t disappear. Use ATS:
- Affirm: “This matters to me.”
- Table: “Can we pause this?”
- Specify: “Let’s talk again in 20 minutes.”
Nicole adds, “There’s power in saying, ‘I want to come back to this.’” It creates safety and respect, even in conflict.
Final Thoughts: Conflict Doesn’t Mean the End
As Derrick wisely reminds us, “The goal of conflict isn’t domination—it’s understanding.” Conflict, if approached with awareness and care, can actually strengthen the bond between partners.
So whether you’re the eye-roller, the over-defender, or the one who shuts down, there’s space for growth. Patterns can be changed. Respect can be rebuilt. And love—real love—can flourish in the space where understanding lives.
Your Turn
Have you noticed any of the Four Horsemen in your own relationships? Which antidote can you start practicing today?
Let us know in the comments, or share your experience on social using #HelpingTheHeard