Consent Beyond Touch — How to Communicate Without Coercion
Podcast Recap: Do You Feel Heard? – Episode 36
Host: Ian Mychal (Solo Episode)
Theme: Understanding consent in everyday life, navigating boundaries, people-pleasing, and how to make genuine requests that honor both parties’ autonomy
What does it really mean to ask for consent?
For many of us, “consent” was only ever mentioned in one narrow context—physical intimacy. But in this solo episode of Do You Feel Heard?, Ian Mychal invites listeners into a much deeper conversation. He explores how consent operates in every part of life—from emotional expression and communication to relationships, parenting, and even everyday requests.
This is a raw, insightful look at how we can build healthier, more honest relationships by learning to communicate without coercion, guilt, or manipulation.
Redefining Consent
Ian begins by revisiting how consent was taught to most of us—primarily as permission around sexual or physical contact. But as he explains, true consent is far broader.
Every person has what he calls a domain: a personal circle containing their feelings, body, thoughts, desires, beliefs, and boundaries. Everything inside that circle belongs to you—and you alone are responsible for it.
When someone tries to control, dismiss, or override your experience, they’re reaching into your domain without permission.
“No one has a right to tell you how to feel or to decide what’s appropriate for your experience. Those things belong to you.”
The Boundary and the Emotion of Anger
Surrounding your domain is a boundary—like an energetic force field that signals when something isn’t right. When that boundary is crossed, the emotion that arises is anger.
Ian explains how anger isn’t inherently bad or destructive—it’s information. It tells us when our space has been violated.
Whether it’s a friend dismissing your feelings or someone touching you without permission, the body recognizes both as boundary breaches. The key is learning to read the signal instead of suppressing it.
The Subtle Ways Consent Is Violated
Ian reflects on how consent violations often go unnoticed in daily life. Society normalizes manipulation through guilt trips, ultimatums, moral superiority, and coercive communication.
Examples range from small interactions (“I’m not asking for much…”) to larger systems like parenting or politics.
“The person making the request doesn’t get to decide how big or small the request is. Only the person being asked gets to decide that.”
He challenges listeners to consider how often they pressure others—or themselves—into compliance rather than allowing space for a genuine choice.
People-Pleasing: The Self-Consent Violation
At the heart of the episode is a powerful insight: people-pleasing is a form of self-violation.
When you say “yes” out of fear, guilt, or obligation, you’re overriding your own consent. Over time, this creates resentment, burnout, and disconnection from self-trust.
“If your yes is only a yes because the consequences of saying no feel too heavy, that’s not consent—it’s survival.”
He explains how these patterns are often learned in childhood, especially in fear-based parenting environments where obedience is demanded instead of collaboration. Without awareness, those dynamics get repeated in adult relationships, workplaces, and even our parenting styles.
The Santa Claus Example — Lies, Trust, and the Cost of Compliance
One of Ian’s more provocative reflections involves the tradition of telling children that Santa Claus is real. He argues that this well-intentioned cultural myth can subtly undermine trust.
When children eventually discover the truth, they realize that everyone they loved participated in a lie. That rupture, however small, teaches them that deception is acceptable if it serves a positive story.
“If we don’t heal those little betrayals, we pass them on. We teach the next generation that compliance is more important than truth.”
For Ian, this pattern mirrors the broader cultural habit of valuing comfort over consent.
From Coercion to Consent: How to Make Genuine Requests
So how should we make requests? Ian reframes it as a simple but radical shift:
Every real request must have space for a “no.”
Without the possibility of refusal, it isn’t a request—it’s a demand.
He offers a practical example:
Instead of saying,
“I’m not asking for much—can you please just pick up your socks?”
try saying,
“Are you available to pick up your socks and put them in the hamper?”
This phrasing gives the other person a real choice. If they say no, that becomes the start of a conversation, not the end of one. Each person then gets to decide what the “no” means for them and the relationship.
“Consent-based communication isn’t about control—it’s about clarity and respect.”
Why It Matters
When we honor consent, relationships become safer, stronger, and more sustainable. But when we rely on fear, guilt, or manipulation, even well-meaning interactions can erode trust.
The antidote, Ian says, is awareness. By becoming conscious of our language and motivations, we stop perpetuating harm—both to others and to ourselves.
Tools for Practice
Ian closes the episode by introducing several tools and resources from Helping the Heard:
- The Internal Exploration Cards, designed to help people name feelings and needs through the lens of Nonviolent Communication.
- Free text coaching through the Helping the Heard website, where users can message trained coaches for guidance at no cost.
- The upcoming “Know Your Neighbor” segment, an interview series focused on building empathy across social, cultural, and ideological divides.
“When we stop putting people in boxes and start honoring each person’s unique experience, real understanding begins.”
Favorite Quotes from Episode 36
- “Every request must have space for a no. Otherwise, it’s not a request.”
- “If your yes comes from fear, it’s not consent—it’s compliance.”
- “Anger isn’t bad. It’s your boundary saying, ‘Hey, something’s off.’”
- “The person making the request doesn’t get to decide how big the request is.”
- “Consent isn’t about control. It’s about connection.”
Listen to the Full Episode
This solo episode is for anyone who’s:
- Learning to break people-pleasing patterns
- Exploring healthy communication and boundaries
- Navigating relationships rooted in mutual respect
- Curious about applying consent beyond intimacy
- Ready to practice honesty over comfort
Final Reflection
Consent is more than permission—it’s presence.
It’s the practice of respecting your own boundaries as much as others’.
When we start making requests that include room for a “no,” we make space for trust, freedom, and authenticity to thrive.
That’s how communication transforms.
That’s how relationships heal.
That’s how we truly feel heard.