In this thought-provoking episode of Helping the Heard, the team dives into a deceptively simple topic: making a request. What starts as a conversation about asking for help unfolds into a layered examination of vulnerability, shame, childhood conditioning, and the relational dance of support.
Why is it so hard to ask for what we want or need?
Derrick opens the episode with this question, noting that even when we clearly identify a need, voicing it out loud can feel overwhelmingly difficult. Dawson and Ian reflect on early experiences that shape this hesitance—being told “no” as kids, learning not to “bother” adults, and internalizing the belief that asking is selfish or shameful.
The group unpacks how deeply ingrained these patterns are. From fears of rejection to assumptions that others don’t have the capacity to help, the act of asking becomes tangled in layers of doubt and guilt. As Ian notes, “It’s vulnerable to say, ‘I need something from someone else.’”
It's like dancing.
One of the most striking metaphors in the episode compares asking for help to a dance—with one person leading and the other responding. But unlike traditional dances, requests don’t always come with clear rules or roles. Without intentionally creating a container—a structured, respectful space to communicate—it’s easy to slip into defensiveness or misinterpretation.
How to receive requests.
They also tackle what it’s like on the receiving end of a request. Responses vary based on the relationship, emotional bandwidth, or simply the way the request is delivered. Both Derrick and Dawson share moments when a request feels more like a demand, triggering guilt or irritation.
To avoid these pitfalls, the hosts suggest key tools for better request-making:
- Ask for consent before the request itself: “Are you available for a request right now?”
- Leave room for a no: A real request allows the other person to decline without consequence.
- Affirm first when appropriate: Start with appreciation or acknowledgment before requesting change.
- Check your own attachment to the answer—expecting a “yes” can unconsciously pressure the other person.
The Wanting Game - By Dr. Betty Martin
The episode also introduces powerful practices like “The Wanting Game,” developed by Dr. Betty Martin and the School of Consent. In it, participants simply name what they want while the other person responds, “It’s good to want.” There’s no obligation to fulfill the desires—only space to voice them and be witnessed.
How to say no.
Another theme that surfaces repeatedly: the importance of saying no. Whether it’s rejecting a request or recognizing personal limits, the ability to decline honestly is essential for authentic relationships.
Conclusion
Ultimately, the episode serves as a heartfelt guide to communication rooted in mutual respect, emotional clarity, and self-awareness. Whether in personal relationships, at work, or with friends, knowing how to make—and receive—a request is a skill worth developing.
Because at the core of it, being able to ask without fear and to hear without judgment is what allows us all to feel truly heard.