In this beautifully intimate and richly layered episode, the Helping the Heard team—Derrick, Ian, and returning guest Nicole—open a powerful conversation about one of the most essential yet misunderstood parts of the human experience: wanting.
Her desire became entangled with judgement and shame
Nicole introduces the topic by sharing a personal story: As a child, she was labeled the “I want that” kid—pointing at toys, commercials, closets. Over time, that innocent and honest expression of desire became tangled with judgment, shame, and internalized rules about what was okay to want—and what wasn’t.
This episode unpacks those tangles.
What does it mean to want something? How do we get in our own way when we treat desire as dangerous, selfish, or wrong?
Separate attachment from the outcome
The group revisits a tool known as “The Wanting Game,” which allows people to name their desires—no matter how big or small—without needing to act on them, fix them, or justify them. Just wanting becomes an act of presence.
As Ian explains, “The wanting isn’t the problem. It’s the attachment to the outcome.” Derrick adds that ambivalence is natural—we want many things at once, and some are in conflict. Accepting that reality opens the door to clarity and compassion.
The difference in Wanting and Willing
The team also breaks down a subtle but powerful distinction: wanting vs. willing. Wanting means something is aligned with your internal yes. Willing means you’ll do it, but often out of duty, care for others, or strategic tradeoff. Recognizing the difference can lead to more honest consent and fewer emotional hangovers.
What indecision really says about you
Another major theme is the emotional weight of indecision. From dinner plans to family planning, Nicole reflects on her tendency to sit on the fence—paralyzed by too many options or fear of getting it “wrong.” Ian and Derrick empathize and respond with nuance: Sometimes it’s better to take one step and let the next become clear.
Never feel guilty for what you want
In true Helping the Heard fashion, the episode weaves personal anecdotes with conceptual frameworks like domain, boundaries, and limits (rooted in Betty Martin’s Wheel of Consent), encouraging listeners to sort out what belongs to them and what doesn’t. If you’ve ever felt guilty for wanting “too much” or “not enough,” this episode gives you permission to simply want.
Conclusion
The conversation closes with Derrick sharing a dream: the Middle Way Wellness Center, a collaborative, integrative space for healing that honors the full spectrum of human needs—physical, emotional, and spiritual. It’s not just a plan—it’s a want worth holding.
“It’s good to want. Because without want, there is no direction. And without direction, we just drift.”