People-Pleasing, Boundaries, and the Ghosts of the Past — Reclaiming Your Domain
Podcast Recap: Do You Feel Heard? – Episode 30
Hosts: Ian Mychal & Derrick Jones
Theme: Why people-pleasing happens, how consent and “domain” intersect, and practical ways to build safety and trust inside relationships
Why is it so hard to say no?
Why do we keep doing things for others we’re not really available for?
And why does resentment follow even when we “choose” to say yes?
In Episode 30 of Do You Feel Heard?, Ian and Derrick tackle one of the most common listener questions: people-pleasing. They break down why we do it, how it damages relationships (including our relationship to ourselves), and how the idea of “domain” can help us reclaim our power.
What People-Pleasing Really Is
Ian’s working definition:
“Putting someone else’s needs, wants or feelings above your own—often based on assumptions of what they want, not direct requests—at your own expense.”
Derrick adds that sometimes we do know what’s being asked of us but still violate our own availability: “It’s people-pleasing either way if you’re sacrificing yourself out of fear.”
This is more than just being “nice.” It’s a pattern rooted in fear—fear of conflict, of rejection, of loss, of punishment.
Consent Isn’t Just About Others
One of Ian’s key insights: you can violate your own consent. If you agree to something you’re not available for—without a wholehearted yes—you’ve crossed your own boundary.
This is why people-pleasing erodes self-trust and creates resentment. It’s a repeated internal message: “My availability doesn’t matter.”
The Ghosts of the Past
A striking theme in this episode is how much we people-please for “ghosts,” not the person in front of us.
Maybe a partner snapped at you years ago for not doing the dishes, and now—even with a different partner—you automatically do the dishes to avoid that old feeling.
“We’re often relating to past versions of each other, not the person in front of us,” Derrick notes.
Checking in with your present partner (“Hey, is this actually a problem if I don’t do this right now?”) can expose the ghost story you’re operating from.
Domain: Rights and Responsibilities
Ian paints a picture of “domain” as a circle containing everything you have a right to and are responsible for:
- Your body
- Your thoughts
- Your feelings
- Your desires
- Your words
Everything outside your circle is someone else’s domain. You may choose to support someone else’s domain, but only with consent.
Understanding the domain clarifies where your responsibility ends and someone else’s begins—key to breaking people-pleasing.
Boundaries and the Role of Anger
Around your domain is a protective boundary. When someone reaches in, your body often responds with anger. That’s not weakness; it’s information.
From mild irritation when someone dismisses your feelings to strong anger when someone pushes sexual or physical limits—your boundary is telling you: “Protect what’s yours.”
Practical Tools from the Episode
1. Pause and Question
Before automatically saying yes, ask:
- What do I believe about this situation?
- Does this person actually want me to violate my availability?
- Has this person shown me I’m not safe—or am I reacting to a ghost?
2. Affirmations for Safety
Ian suggests affirming before responding:
“This person loves me. This person won’t resent me for a no. I’m safe.”
This helps rewire your nervous system before acting.
3. ATS: The Ability to Say No Without Damage
Affirm the request (“I hear this is important”), Table it (“I’m not available right now”), and Set a time (“Let’s revisit this later”). Practicing ATS on small, low-stakes requests builds muscle for big ones.
4. Consistent Practice
Like meditation or sports training, you must practice boundaries and self-check-ins when it’s easy, not just in crises.
Building Safety Takes Repetition
Just as unsafe environments are created through repeated breaches, safe environments are built through repeated instances of safety.
If you want safety with someone new, you must leave room for them to show you it can be safe. Curiosity and clear communication open that door.
Listen to the Full Episode
This conversation is for anyone who’s:
- Struggling to say no without guilt
- Carrying old fears into new relationships
- Unsure where their responsibility ends and someone else’s begins
- Ready to replace people-pleasing with authentic, consensual connection
Final Reflection
People-pleasing may feel like love, but it’s really self-abandonment.
True intimacy starts when you honor your own domain, your own consent, and your own intuition.
Practice the pause. Check for ghosts.
And give others the chance to prove you’re safe—without sacrificing yourself to find out.